Feminism and Religion - Blog#14 - 19 April 2019
Mommy, does God have a penis?
Why on Earth would you ask such a question, Molly?
Who have you been talking to, Molly?
Johnny says He does.
And who is Johnny?
Just a boy in my class. He says boys have penises, girls don’t, and God is big boy, so He obviously has a penis, a really big one. Does He?
Well, I don’t know Molly. I never asked Him.
Is He a he?
Well, yes Molly. He’s our Heavenly Father.
Mommy, is there a Heavenly Mother?
No Molly, but there’s the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus.
What’s a virgin, Mommy?
Do we have to talk about this now, Molly?
Why can’t we, Mommy. Is there something wrong with a virgin?
No, honey. I just didn’t expect to have this discussion with you in 4th grade.
Is it bad to ask questions, Mommy?
No, honey. They say that if you’re old enough to ask, you’re old enough to know. So where do we start? You already know what sex is, right?
I think so. It’s when a boy puts his penis in your vagina. Johnny told me.
It’s your choice what you do with your body, Molly. Boys don’t get to decide that.
But what’s a virgin?
Does Johnny keep his penis in his pants, Molly?
Yes, Mommy. He’s not an idiot. So what’s a virgin?
It’s a girl who hasn’t had sex yet.
Johnny’s oldest sister isn’t a virgin. Johnny says she’s a whore. What’s a whore, Mommy?
It’s a girl who has too much sex, with too many boys, or get’s paid to have sex.
You mean whores have too much sex, and virgins don’t get any?
Something like that. I’ve got to go do the laundry, Molly. Maybe we can talk more later.
I can help! Mommy, do you have to have sex to have a baby?
Yes, Molly. That’s why it’s good to wait until you get married to have sex, so you don’t have babies until you’re ready.
Did you and daddy wait until you were married?
Hold this blue cup, Molly, while I pour the detergent in. Do you see how we pour it until it’s above the first line, and even with the second line?
Yes, Mommy. I like helping you. Was Mary a virgin, Mommy?
The Virgin Mary, Mommy.
Yes, Molly. That’s why they call her the Virgin Mary.
Then how did she get the Baby Jesus in her belly, Mommy?
It was a miracle, Molly.
Who makes miracles, Mommy?
Only God has the power to make miracles, Molly.
With His really big penis?
Molly!! Take these clothes to your room.
Seven years later…
Mom, are you a feminist?
Yes, I guess so, Molly.
You’re not sure?
No, I’m sure. Women need to be strong, and equal to men.
So Mom, Why do feminists believe God is male?
Because the Bible tells us so, Molly.
But Mom, wasn’t the Bible written by men?
Yes, Molly. But God inspired the men, so they knew how to write His word.
How do you know that, Mom?
It’s a matter of faith, Molly. Don’t you remember your Catechism?
Yes, but I’m starting to wonder whether faith is a good reason to believe in anything. Like how did Noah get T-Rex, a brontosaurus, and microscopic species into his Ark?
Only God knows, Molly. We’ll find out when we get to Heaven.
Wouldn’t it be funny, Mom, if we got to Heaven and it turned out that God had a vagina?
But really, Mom. If God is female, it changes everything.
I suppose it would, Molly. And your father would probably be pretty upset!
What if there is no Heaven, and God is like Santa Claus, too good to be true?
That’s not what we’ve been taught, Molly.
Is it okay for me to ask these questions?
Yes, Molly. It’s just that you have many more questions than I did. And I was taught to have faith. Your questions threaten everything I believe in.
Don’t be. This is how you learn, honey. You’ve always had more questions than I’ve had answers. But you’ll figure it out for yourself.
I’m not sure there is a God, Mom. But I’m pretty sure that if there is a God, He doesn’t have a penis. I think men made a lot of stuff up, for their own benefit. Like that story about Eve tempting them. How come men start all the wars, but we’re the evil ones?
Good question, Molly.
Later that night, in dreamland…
Here, here! All rise for the Honorable God the Father!
Be seated. We are assembled for the trial of Mrs. Eve. The charges include blasphemy, and inciting a riot, specifically, a feminist riot. How dost thou plead, Mrs. Eve?
Ms. Eve, if you please.
Are you not married to Adam? How dost thou plead, Mrs. Eve?
I am represented by my attorney, Ms. Molly.
Taking her cue, attorney Molly confirmed, She pleads Not Guilty.
You mean, Not Guilty, Sir!
No, I certainly do not. We intend to question your credentials to even convene this court, and your right to charge my client.
How dare you?! Watch your words, lest you damn yourself to Hell, and your client with you.
You’ve been using that shtick for centuries, Your Impostorship.
You’ll soon sing a different song, my dear, on a much hotter stage. Prosecutor, present your first witness.
Your Holiness, Heavenly Father and Omnipotent Creator, who bequeathed us all with the gifts of life and free will, we maintain that Eve, she who tempted mankind into sin in the first place, has not only challenged biblical truth, but has incited all womankind to rebel against divine patriarchy. We have only one witness, Your Holiness. Mr. Archie Blunder, from Bayonne, New Jersey.
The witness will take the stand.
Mr. Blunder, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Would you please describe for the court, Mr. Blunder, the events of this past 6th of June on the steps of the Church of the Blessed Virgin in Bayonne.
Yes, it was a beautiful God-given Sunday morning. The missus and I were on our way to the 10 a.m. service, but when we arrived, there was a large group of women on the steps, in rapt attention, listening to a woman in white robes and sandals, preaching with a bullhorn.
Is that woman in this courtroom, Mr. Blunder, and if you see her, would you please point her out?
Let the court reporter note that the witness has pointed to the defendant, Mrs. Eve. Go on Mr. Blunder.
She was blaspheming, right in front of the Blessed Virgin herself, with underage girls in attendance. She was challenging Genesis itself, claiming that she never touched an apple, never tempted Adam with one, and claimed that the apples were rotten anyways, at their core. She insisted that death anxiety is at the core of the human dilemma. She claimed that men invented religious delusions, including a male God to subjugate women, and an afterlife to deny death and promise immortality to the masses.
And did she incite these women and impressionable girls any further, Mr Blunder?
Yes, she did. She challenged them, accused them of trading their equal rights for immortality, of swallowing religious nonsense while damning their sisters to second fiddle. She accused them of being phony feminists, of catering to the Man.
Thank you, Mr. Blunder. Your witness, counselor.
Mr. Blunder. You said your wife was with you?
Yes, she was. She heard the blaspheming heretic as well. In the old days, the witch would’ve been burned at the stake!
Is your wife here with you today?
No she is not.
And why not?
She chose to stay home.
She chose to stay home, or you asked her to stay home? I remind you that you are still under oath, under the scrutiny of your Creator at this very moment.
I asked her to stay home.
She doesn’t need to hear any more of the garbage coming from that bitch’s mouth – I’m sorry – from the heretic.
What could happen if she and the other women fell under the influence of the supposed heretic, Mr. Blunder?
All hell could break loose. Women are already grabbing too much power, rebelling against the biblical mandate. It’s our job to wisely protect women. God says so.
Thank you Mr. Blunder. I have no further questions, Your Impostorship.
Do you have any witnesses of your own to call, Mrs. Molly?
Ms. Molly, if you would.
I would not. And if you have no witnesses to call, we will move toward My Judgment.
I do have one witness, Your Impostorship.
I call God Himself to the stand.
This is preposterous. How dare you?
Are you beyond questioning, Your Evasiveness? Are we to rely solely on faith here? If so, why even convene this court. Why even listen to evidence? What are you afraid of? Do you feel naked now that you’ve relinquished your convenient power of invisibility?
So be it, Mrs. Molly. You’ll serve your eternal sentence for contempt later. In the meantime, earn it.
Thank you, Your Impostorship. Let us begin. Among other accolades, you are known as the Heavenly Father, are you not?
Yes, I am.
So you present yourself to the faithful as a male, do you not?
Yes, I do.
And are you indeed male?
That is a matter of interpretation, but most people prefer to think so.
Do you find that most women prefer to view God as male?
That’s a mixed bag, and it’s changing, but in the beginning, yes, women preferred a divine father to protect them from danger, and to run the show.
So is your gender of your own making? As the First Cause, did you choose to be masculine?
Your Honor, The prosecution objects to this line of questioning as immaterial.
I sustain the objection. Move on, Mrs. Molly.
So be it, Your Evasiveness. Would you please raise the right sleeve of your robe above your shoulder?
Objection, Your Honor!
Where are you going with this, counselor?
A mere examination of your muscularity and masculinity, Your Worship.
For the sake of full transparency, so be it, Mrs. Molly. But you are treading on thin ice.
He revealed His divine biceps.
Would you please turn around now, Your Worship?
And would the court reporter please read aloud the tattoo on His Impostorship’s back right shoulder.
Your Honor. Our central thesis is that you are an impostor, created by humans to place themselves as your pet species at the center of the universe, and to quench their greed for immortality. Men had the pen, and added their own patriarchal twist to creation. Unless this is a kangaroo court, it is only fair for us to be given the opportunity to present our evidence. Rumor has it that there is a tattoo on your right shoulder, left by your manufacturer.
Busted, God turned His back to the court reporter, who recoiled in horror.
The court reporter will please perform her requested duties.
Yes, Ma’am. It says, “Made by Menontop Enterprises, Ltd.”
Perhaps we are a step closer to solving the eternal riddle of the first cause, but if it would please the court, let’s take this one final step. Heavenly Father, would you please raise your robes and reveal your Holy Genitals for the court?
It would not please the court!
You have already proven that you are an impostor: created, not Creator. I am simply following through on the logical conclusions of your revelation. You are said to be male, and you have dodged but not contested this presupposition. You have set in motion the subjugation of women by men, for millennia, endorsed by Your Word. We find it reasonable to ask you to prove that Word, now that you have consented to visibility. We ask the court to direct the witness to lift up His robes.
God looked back and forth at Himself, engaged in an instantaneous divine debate, and reluctantly lifted his robes above His waist.
Almost in unison, the courtroom gasped aloud, voicing a single word.
Molly Awakens …
Molly awoke, startled, and puzzled by a three-letter word echoing back and forth between the walls of her skull. “Ken!” She felt strangely compelled to retrieve her old set of Barbie dolls from the back of her closet. Then sat with them and her dream. As she did so, her dilemma regarding her upcoming term paper in Humanities resolved itself. She pulled out her computer, and began to type. She titled the paper Feminism and Religion: Breaking the Divine Glass Ceiling, and began to write…
Feminists remain chained to an implicit Faustian bargain, imposed upon us centuries ago, but left unchallenged. We traded mortality for patriarchy. We have unwittingly sacrificed our power and equality on Earth for immortality in the supposed afterlife. We refuse to actively challenge God’s gender, out loud. Only by overthrowing God, and his biblical male inventors, can we assume our rightful role…
Read more about theology, prejudice, feminism, and anthropocentrism in Beyond Atheism – A Secular Approach to Spiritual, Moral, and Psychological Practices, available in print and e-Book on Amazon. And if you care to do so, leave your own perspective on gender and religion in the comments section below. Thanks for playing.